Category / Bullying

by tracycpoetry

Glimmers & Triggers

As a survivor of pretty intense bullying as a child from K-12 and some other trauma in my adult life, I am very familiar with the term “triggers.”

But it is only recently that I have started seeing a term out there for a precious gift that has helped me navigate through those triggers and live a beautiful (though sometimes messy) life.

In the same way triggers can transport us to a place of panic and survival mode, glimmers transport us to a place of thriving, peace, joy, and a greater connection to the deep inner strength of our Maker.

The best thing about glimmers?? You can choose to surround yourself with them and train yourself to see them. 

We really can’t control triggers since they are so specific to the way we are individually wired and can be something we face often in day-to-day life. 

But glimmers?? We can stir those things up! 

There is good reason you see so many photos of sky and birds and such on my blog and social media feeds. Yes, I’m glad other people are blessed by them sometimes. But those are glimmers I seek out for myself…. Medicine for the depths of my soul.

My challenge to us today: Let’s focus so much on the glimmers of grace and beauty our Maker so masterfully surrounds us with. In doing this, those glimmers will begin to soften the blows of the triggers.

Peace, friends!

by tracycpoetry

An Unexpected Cure for Procrastination

The procrastination cure may not be what you think….

It may require soul searching and evening therapy to root out what may be blocking your progress rather than yet another self help book or career coach.

I’ve struggled with procrastination my whole life. I’m only now learning that I’m not lazy or inefficient or a whole slew of other things I may call myself.

This journey is different for everyone, but it was a drilldown to a root of shame that is setting me on a journey toward freedom from procrastination. In my childhood, most attempts at participation in anything – from playground games (I was small and awkward) to simply speaking to classmates (I had a severe speech impediment) were met with ridicule and shame.

Fast forward several decades….. Even though I’ve long outgrown my skinny awkwardness and I even do public speaking now, I often find myself putting off the most simple of tasks. You see, certain responses were burned into my brain during my formative years (and, unfortunately, reinforced by some destructive relationships in my adulthood). To avoid the pain of relentless bullying on the playground at recess or lunch, I would simply avoid the pain of participation by hiding out in the library or the bathroom. So even in adulthood when faced with something to do, my first response is to dodge.

That’s when I have to tell that little girl that hid in the library or bathroom that it’s not her show anymore. “Grown Tracy” is taking charge now and realizes that in this present moment, avoidance in the form of procrastination will only bring pain rather than being a rescue from bullies that now exist only in my brain.

So, perhaps…. untangling from shame is the hidden key to unleashing focus and productivity.

by tracycpoetry

My Healing Place

It’s been a year….

OK, maybe it’s been a few years or a few decades of struggles masked by smiles.

But Maker is faithful to sculpt scarred hearts surrendered to Him into resilient masterpieces.

As I prepare to close this chapter in Atlanta – I am so thankful for the healing that has happened here over the past year-and-a-half.

I am especially thankful for those my Maker has surrounded me with in this season to help the healing happen…. Just to name a few: my North Springs United Methodist Church family – especially the Celebrate Recovery group there, my incredible colleagues who became fast friends at Emory Saint Joseph’s Hospital, my warm and welcoming neighbors here on The Hill ATL, and Hector Pereles at New Living Counseling…. Not to mention the faithful friends and family who have covered me with encouragement and prayers from across the country.

I am so very grateful and more adamant than ever when I say “Don’t do life alone”.

I really don’t think I would have survived had I not reached out for help.

#MyStorysNotOver because it’s part of an #EternalStory. AΩ; #AlphaOmegaSemicolon #SuicidePrevention #Hope #Healing #AbuseSurvivor #CodependencyRecovery #HealingContinues #HealingCommunities

by tracycpoetry

Precious In His Sight

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Because of my faithful God, some sweet friends and mentors, and my Amazing Church family speaking into my life – I am beginning to see that the parts of my story I used to view as curse, can actually become a blessing to others when shared from the viewpoint of God’s relentless grace.    So this was written for and performed as Spoken Word poetry at Christmas With The Arts this year.  I thought I would share it here, too, just in case some piece of my story helps you see God at work in your story.

PRECIOUS IN HIS SIGHT

Children…. Music…. Memories….
So many beautiful things about this season
And some funny things too
Like the things we do – songs we sing
Without really knowing what they mean
Like the profound mystery
Of what really is in that fruitcake we eat
Then there’s Rudolph – nose shining brightly
What are those games the other reindeer play?
Basketball, soccer, Monopoly??

But it’s not just Christmas songs perplexing me
Other songs, too – church songs even
I’ve basically been in church
From the moment I was breathing
“Red and yellow black and white 
They are precious in His sight”
You’ve heard that one – Right?
Strange as it seems
Understanding those words
for me has been a lifelong plight
The words didn’t match up with what was in my sight

In my Sunday school to my left… my right
What I saw was white, white, white
And yes more white
Something didn’t seem quite right
But I was young – perhaps didn’t understand
Just ’cause we’re all precious to God
Maybe it doesn’t mean we live
And worship on the same the same block??
But there wasn’t time to figure that out
‘Cause getting ready for kindergarten
That’s what I was all about
I loved to learn, already starting to read
Figured – just like home and church
School kids would love on me

So on that first day dressed in the very best
My sisters handed down to me
I skipped across the playground
Excited about the friends I would meet
But things played out a little differently
You see, I experienced a facial injury
When I was maybe 2 or 3
Had severe deformities
Of my mouth and teeth
Only close friends and family
Could understand when I would speak
So my dreams of new friends were shattered
As laughter began to shriek

And relentless bullying was there to stay
From k5 to high school graduation day
Thankfully, home and church
Provided a safe place respite from the hurt
But even knowing Jesus – the pain remained
As kids laughed, mocked, even spit in my face
And I suffered oh so silently
Not a word to church, teacher, family
After all… didn’t Sunday school songs say
Christians should be happy -“Turn the other way”?

So in about second grade
We moved to a larger town
Where faces as white as mine
Were no longer the only ones around
And in a diverse community
Now – up close – I could really see
That all (“red, yellow, black, and white”)
Are truly precious in God’s sight
Well, all “others” anyway – is what I believed
I still had a “blind side” when it came to me

As time went along things appeared fine
At least —-              on the outside
With help of intense orthodontistry
And quite a few years of speech therapy
I looked and sounded almost like a normal teen
But there was that pain…. Deep and unseen
Saturating every part of my reality
“Blending in” didn’t stop the bullying
I still thought I was worthless
And attracted what I believed
I still sang “Red, Yellow, Black, and White”
But didn’t feel precious in anybody’s sight

Fast forward to adulthood
For a while everything looked quite alright
Education, great career, & husband in my life
But behind the door of my heart – closed tight
Remained so much pain  – so much strife
As I worked hard to feel loved and get it all right
But expecting anyone or anything
To complete me besides God
Blocked me from receiving & giving out
His perfect love

While smiling on the outside
I suffered silently
Depression – thoughts of suicide
Sad old friends who wouldn’t leave
I was beginning to think
That maybe church and God
Were really just a cruel and senseless façade
So my “church hop” progressed to not going at all
Or watching “mega church” from my comfy couch
But my Sunday school upbringing
Still called out to me
So I had to go back to church
– For Easter at least

So a couple years back in the spring we received
An invite to what is now this Amazing thing
I looked around –could almost see
That song I used to sing
“Red and Yellow, Black and White”
We’d found a loving family with big vision in sight
That reflecting our city’s diversity
Is the true heartbeat Christ

But as for me…  “Precious in His Sight”
I still struggled with that lyric
I sang the words but for me… I really couldn’t hear it
The brokenness and pain
I worked lifelong to keep hidden
Were now rising to the surface
Becoming visible – unbidden

But even when I could no longer hide my mess
These amazing people stood by me
Continuing to bless
And I learned ‘though heaven-bound
I wasn’t really free
‘Til I experienced – not just sang of –
God’s amazing love for me
And as with this church I began to do LIFE
“Restoring Hope & Loving People”
Became more than just words for (one day)
Our building’s sign

Because  I stand here restored
And loved back to life
No pretense of perfection
Scars revealed only to be healed
So today… today…  I look around and see
Much more than Red and Yellow, Black and White
They…. No we… TOGETHER 
Are so precious in His site
and now…. that Sunday school song –
I finally understand it right
Thank you, my Amazing God,
   We ARE precious in Your sight.